Totally Randomized beyond belif
by mega me man
Summary: A complete waste of time! For idiots who know how to make any sense of completely random stories about absaloutley nothing
1. Chapter 1: Losses regained

**Note: before you read this you must have read the Artemis Fowl series, seen The Terminator, heard of Area 51 or else this story won't make ANY sense, even though it probably won't make ANY sense anyway. If it does, you're insane and really, really annoying.**

**Got that?**

**Good**

Chapter 1 Some chapter with some crappy name 

**Ops Booth, Police Plaza, Lower Elements**

'Foaly, Let me in!' Screamed Commander Root, Nickname Beetroot.

The centaur jumped right out of his specially modified swivel chair.

'Oh, sorry Commander.'

'What were you doing?'

'Umm, Sleeping....'

'Well don't'

'But I'm bored. Do you know how boring this is? All I've got to do is watch a few cases of smuggling by the B'wa Kell.'

'Well, find something. By the way Holly's been looking for something to do. You two could do something together or something.'

Root walked out of the Operations booth muttering something under his breath, something that sounded a bit like 'Stupid Idiots'

'Now back to dreaming' thought Foaly, when suddenly he had an idea.

'He he he' He thought

'Oh Commander. I got an idea.'

Fowl Manor 

Artemis Fowl was eating breakfast when there was a knock on the door.

'Can you get it mother?' He said, just before realizing that his parents were in America for six weeks

'Butler' He called. 'Get the door, please.' But there was no reply, so Artemis went looking for him. Artemis found Butler in the hallway talking to a little ugly man in a FedEx suit. In seeing Artemis, he said

'Here, look at this CD. You'll thank me afterwards'

'I doubt it, anyway it is most probably contains a virus'

'Fine then, I'll do it.'

Artemis sat down and read everything on the CD, as soon as he'd finished he simply said

'Hello Mulch. Which bank do you want to rob first?'

Police Plaza, Lower Elements 

Holly was sitting down eating her Bc Fonalds Small Bac and Hies, when Commander Root's voice crackled over the intercom

'Captain Holly Short, repeat Captain Holly Short report to Ops booth now!'

'Owe, Crud'

'Now, Short'

Holly strolled into the Ops booth still eating her Bc Fonalds Small Bac and Hies.

'Short.' Commander Rot was there 'Where the hell were you?'

'Eating my lunch. _Commander_.'

'Anyway.' Interrupted Foaly 'I've been looking at the Fowl cameras, and it seems Mud-Boy's got his memory back.'

'How?' Asked Holly

'Look'

On the screen there was Mulch, handing Artemis a disk, which he inserted into his CD drive.

'I'll go check it out' said Holly 'I'll see if I can catch Mulch while I'm at it'


	2. Chapter 2 Reunion

Chapter 2, Reunion 

Holly soared over the Irish landscape, enjoying every little un-recycled breath of eroded air. Holly set her wings, the old Koboi DoubleDex, to auto pilot so she could watch the landscape fly by her below. She loved the human world; it would be perfect if there were no humans.

Soon she was at Fowl Manor.

'Do a Thermal, I'll be watching.' Said Foaly, his voice coming over the radio.

Holly's thermal showed that Artemis, Butler and Mulch were in Fowl Manor, nobody else. Holly looked for a way in, the front door that led straight into the hall. She flew in. Artemis looked at the door...

'Long time, no see. Ah Holly'

Holly unshielded.

'Hello Artemis. Heard you got your memory back.'

'Thanks to Mr. Diggums in fact. Mulch stop hiding, it's only Holly.'

Mulch peeked out from under a desk only to see the barrel of Holly's Neutrino 2000.

'I'm staying under here.' Cried a scared Mulch

'No you're not.' Replied Holly, pulling Mulch out from under the desk

'Well I have to go, and I'm taking Mulch with me.'

'Oh come on' said Artemis

'Fine. I'll stay, but for not very long'

'I thought Foaly would've come up with something better than the DoubleDex by now.' Commented Artemis

'Hey shut up, Foaly just doesn't want his new wings used. He is so annoying. Anyway, I need you help, Foaly has been so annoying lately and I need a good prank to play on him.'

'How about we put some secret spy cameras in his bedroom?'

'Why would that be funny?'

'I've heard that centaurs do weird things when they're alone'

'Ok. But you're gonna have to come to Lower Elements'

'Easy done. My parents are in America for a while'


	3. Chapter 3 Revenge

Chapter 3, Revenge Holly's Place 

'Ok.' Said Holly through a mouthful of Fizza (Fizza is fairy pizza. Pronounced

F-izzer) 'Tomorrow we steal some of Foaly's new undetectable cameras.'

'Then, I break into Foaly's house, you can't because it's against the Book, and plant the cameras.' Replied Artemis

'Then we watch, and show people, the tapes with anything goofy on them.'

'Yep.'

Police Plaza, Lower Elements 

The next day Foaly was trotting into the Ops booth when he noticed that the steel laser-proof doors were open. Foaly thought that Commander Root must have looked at his new C64L cameras.

The C64L cameras were completely undetectable by even Foaly's sensors, were so small that you could hide one in someone's shirt and they wouldn't even notice. They ran on heat, ideally used for spying on rooms, and organic things. The only problem was getting them in place.

Foaly couldn't find his precious cameras. Someone must have taken them.

'Commander Root' called Foaly over the intercom 'Someone's nicked my C64L cameras.'

'Alright I'll get right on it'

Then there was the sound of a radio frequency being chanced and then...

'Has anybody seen a person besides Foaly in the Ops booth.' Blared Root over the loudspeaker

'Yeah, I saw Holly leaving there' said a voice that sounded a bit like Grouble Kelp, Trouble Kelp's brother.

'Hey, shut up' said Trouble

'Owwwwww' said a voice 'Trouble likes Short, Trouble likes Short'

Then came the sound of a fight and a lot of swearing.

Commander Root's voice came over the Ops booth intercom

'Who do you think it was?'

'Holly, obviously'

'Just don't tell her.... You know my plan.'

Foaly's Place 

Artemis was planting the C64L cameras in the places he thought would be the most incriminating. Soon he had planted all the cameras in the kitchen and bedroom. One camera was next to the fridge, Artemis also found that the cameras had tiny microphones. The microphones were about as big as pinheads as and almost unnoticeable. The next camera was placed in Foaly's workshop, right in the sweeper, a trick he had learnt from Opal Koboi. In the last camera, using Foaly's tools, took out the microphone and put it in the hall between his bathroom, in case he sang in the shower, and his bedroom, in case he sleep talked.

Holly's Place 

'Did ya do it?' Asked Holly

'Yeah, 3 cameras and I discovered that they have microphones on them as well'

'Did ya put some of them in?' asked Holly

'Yeah'

**11:00 PM**

'Hee hee, he sings in the shower' said Artemis. He was watching Foaly.

'Ew, you planted cameras in his shower' said Holly

'No. Just the microphone.'

Foaly was singing a song which, by the sound of it, he ripped off some non-famous human band

_You got a great car_

_And I'm glad you like mine two_

_Because our show is pretty cool_

_Catch ya_

'Ha ha' laughed Holly 'He is so not good at singing'

Meanwhile Foaly was still singing

_Cause I like you_

_Yeah I like_

_And I feel some bohemian like you_

_And I feel wohoow_

Holly and Artemis laughed so much they fainted 

**8:19 AM**

'Come on, we got to get to Police Plaza before Foaly...'Said Holly

'So we can give out the copied tapes, I know.' Replied Artemis

'Well then, hurry up.'

Police Plaza, Lower Elements 

'Commander Root to Foaly squad, Commander Root to Foaly squad. Are you in position? Asked Root over the intercom

'Affirmative, Commander, but why we have to arrest Holly?' Retorted the squad leader

'Cause she stole the new C64L series cameras'

'Says who?'

'Me, that's who.'

'Fine'

The squad leader knew better than to argue with Root, after all, he had gone to Russia and survived being on the Mayak Chemical Train, which was full to the brim with uranium

Downtown Haven, the Lower Elements 

Holly was running to start her car, when she noticed some glass on a window was out of place

'Oh no'

They were also late, and in a lot of trouble

'Artemis, prepared to be arrested'

'Why?'

'Were late'

'You get arrested for being late?'

'No. We stole the cameras, remember'

As soon as Holly took a step in Police Plaza 50.0000001 officers pounced on her and Artemis was pounced on by 0.99999999. They were quickly chloroformed by 50.099999, No, um, 1004.0055555, no, um, e, ar, many people.


	4. Chapter 4 & 5 put togethor Yay

**Chapter 4. The Punishment**

**Jail Cell 6, Unknown location, Lower Elements**

Artemis and Holly woke up in a dark jail cell, handcuffed to a pole. 'This is entirely your fault' said an angry Holly

'My fault? Why is it my fault?'

'Because, we should put spy cameras in Foaly's room' Holly said doing an impression of Artemis.'

'We got to get out of here.'

'Naaa, were gonna stay here all day'

Suddenly Commander Root appeared at the jail door.

'You're free to go. But go home, you're suspended for three days. And Fowl, you'd better not get in any more trouble, one more incident and you're gonna get a blanket wipe on the spot.

Holly's Place 

'Hey Fowl...'

'What?'

'You want a drink?'

'Foke-a-Fola if you got any.'

Holly opened the fridge only to find it full of wine and beer

'Artemis, did you fill the fridge with beer?'

'No, why?'

'Because someone did. You still thirsty?'

'Er, Ok'

Holly threw Artemis a beer and takes one, soon getting drunk, seriously drunk, Well Holly did anyway.

'Wanna go up ta my room an' make out?' Asked Holly in a drunken way

'What?' Replied Artemis, not sure if he heard right.

'You wanna make out or what?'

'Holly, I think you're to drunk to be making any choices'

'Oh, BullSmeg'

'I think you should go to bed.'

'Yeah, you can come to.'

'Sure, Holly, Sure. I'll come.' Said Artemis sarcastically

Suddenly Artemis's vision was going blurry. He was getting drunk, he thought. Suddenly he wanted to kiss Holly. He wanted it more than anything else, so he did it.

As soon as their lips touched, he lost control. He couldn't stop himself, and he didn't want to. 'Oh crap' was his last

un-drunk thought before 'kiss me Holly' took over

When Artemis woke up he was resting on Holly's lap, and he had a hangover.

'Arghh' He screamed.

Artemis knew if Holly found out, she would be very, very unhappy, even though he can't even remember what he did. But he knew it was bad, very bad. Artemis had to take a crap, probably because he was scared Smegless, literally.

Ops Booth, Police Plaza, Lower Elements 

Foaly was watching a TV screen, with Holly and Artemis on it. Holly didn't know it, but they were being set up. By Foaly himself, he planted the beer and the spy cameras. They were on TV, and they wouldn't like what they saw.

'I am so smart.' Foaly said to himself 'I am soooooooooo smart, They'll never know.... Suckers.'

'No, you're not' said a voice behind him. It was Commander Root 'All you've done is made some pointless history, about humans and fairies. Jees, and Mulch has escaped Howler's Peak'

'Mulch escaped Howler's Peak!' Said a surprised Foaly 'He's good, very good.'

'Yeah, as soon as you've finished admiring him, you can work on catching him.'

**Holly's Place**

Holly awoke with a groan, now that's something that didn't happen very often, usually her magic made her fit and ready for action. She could wake up and run away from a stampede of elephants two meters away. The only time she doesn't feel really good is when she's got no magic, and the only things that drain her magic are radiation and, alchahol. 'Oh no'. She thought, as the memories of last night came flooding back to her. I was one wasted Smeg. She thought. Wow I'm still drunk, 'cause I certainly call myself a Smeg, and for some reason I feel like busting a cap in Artemis's ass. Bust a cap? What the Smeg is a cap? And why an ass? Dude I think I'm wasted still. Wasted, dude? What the hell? I'm gonna go to sleep till I get rid'a that stupid cap, ass thing. D'Arvit.

Ops booth, Police Plaza, Lower Elements 

'Wow' thought Foaly, Holly sleep talks! What the hell is a cap in your ass? What the hell is a cap? What's an ass? Oh yeah, an ass...I have an ass'

Commander Root's voice crackled over the intercom 'Foaly, What the Smeging hell is a cap? And why in the ass? Get your best team on it! And there'd better be more tapes'

**Holly's Place**

'Artemis' called Holly 'Where are you?'

'Not here' replied Artemis 'I did something very wrong.'

'Did you break the fridge?'

'Yes, but that's not it.'

'Then what is it.'

'I broke the oven.'

'Oh. Let me have a look at it Mr. Child Prodigy'

'Why are you wearing my lipstick?' Asked Holly as she entered the Fitchen (Fairy Kitchen)

'I'm not wearing any lipstick'

'Well it looks like it. I had the weirdest dream last night.'

'Oh yeah, what was it?'

'We, like, made out and the fridge was full of beer.'

'Ummm, that wasn't a dream.'

'So that's why you're wearing my lipstick, could you please leave for a second?'

Artemis left the room, went up the stairs and into Holly's room. Artemis soon heard Holly talking to herself, well, yelling to herself

'&!#(&$$&)&$&()$&#($&$$#$$$&#&Q#&$#&$#&#$&#$(#&&$#($&(QW8&#$$#$#$#&$&&($$&$&($($&$&$&$&STUPID(&&$(&&)(&((&&&(&(&((()&#$#$#$#!#$$###$$I SHOULD BUST A CAP IN HIS ASS(&$#$#&$ CAP? WHAT THE SMEG IS A CAP?'

Holly then heard some profanity from Artemis,

()$&&()#&)(#) (insert large amount of symbols), Bust a Cap? What the Hell. That sounds like Smege'n gangsta talk. Jesus.

'Artemis,' echoed Holly's voice, 'we have to get to police plaza. Now.'

'Whatever.'

'Urghhh, I don't feel to good.'

'You all right?'

'No, you stupid asshole.'

Artemis was spared futher dissin' by the sound of the Fone (Fairy phone) ringing, and Root's voice crackled over it.

'Short. What the Smege'n hell do you think your doing?'

'Umm, leaving for work.'

'Sure, I believe you. Even though Artemis better not come, half the LEP hates him after what happened last night.'

'Huh?'

'You know, you drunken freak.'

Then the line went dead.

Ops booth, Police Plaza, Haven City, Lower Elements 

Foaly casually trotted into the Ops booth, carrying some tapes. He put in the one with no label. It was Artemis and Holly, doing very naughty things, like eating whipped cream out of a spray bottle and not taking out the trash, plus other naughty stuff. Foaly, being a paranoid nut, usually closes his door, but today he was so excited that he forgot to. Chix Verbil just happened to walk in while Foaly was watching the tape, once he saw what was on the tape, he smashed half his teeth.

Artemis entered Police Plaza, looking for Commander Root. Commander Root's office was next to the cafeteria, and everybody happened to be having brunch. Everybody was glaring at Artemis in that murderous way. Artemis was scared, and started running. Everybody got up and chased after Artemis in an angry fit of rage. Artemis, being smart and having previous experience, knew to run into the Operations Booth. The Opal Koboi experience proved that the Operations Booth was impenetrable from the outside world. Foaly buzzed him in and locked the door. All the guys were banging on the door, trying to get in. The smarter ones had pulled out their Neutrino 2000s and started blasting the door.

'Foaly.' Gasped Artemis 'What the hell is going on?'

'I don't know, why?'

'Cause everybody's trying to kill me, that's why!'

'Well, we should just ask them.'

The inter-com emitted a loud, fuzzy sound before,

'Fowl, come out here and fight, you stupid son-of-a-Smeg.' Several voices agreed

'Why? What did I do?' Asked Artemis

'What did you do! You made out with Holly that's what you did!'

'I was drunk, do you think I'm crazy. I don't even like Holly that much.'

'Sure you don't, that's what they all say.' More voices agreed

After about 2 hours, everybody left. Artemis wasn't brave enough venture out outside, so he used the inter-com to Commander Root.

'Commander, What the hell is going on?'

'You and Holly, that's what's going on!'

'How did you know?'

'I found a tape in my desk.'

'You could've put it there.'

'It's under lock and key, no one has that key but me.'

'Well someone's got it.'

Suddenly, there was a loud bang and the Ops booth door buckled but held, barely

'What the?' Asked Foaly

'It looks like one of those wide-bore Softnose Cannons.' Said Commander Root's fuzzy voice, over the intercom

'What? How did they get one of them? Weren't they all destroyed after the Opal Koboi incident?'

'Owe crap. Not another Softnose massacre.'

'I'll handle it.' Said Root'

Root put the inter-com on the Ops room and said

'What the hell do you think you're doing? Your all gonna be demoted to private if you keep doing that! I've got the S.W.A.T. Team ready to blast you're asses from here to Taiwan'

Directly after this, one-hundred elves wearing laser-proof vest with the letters SWAT written on them, burst in, pointing the new Neutrino 3500.

The Neutrino 3500 was an assault rifle with a scope just above the barrel, and a laser sight with target identification and two firing-modes, burst and full-auto. The Neutrino 3500 had a 10cm by 10cm nuclear battery in the handle, and a shoulder strap.

The SWAT team made them stop.

'There, all done. Where's Holly anyway?' Asked Commander Root

'Holly's sick.' Answered Artemis

'Yeah, probably got Fowl germs, ha' said a voice behind them, the door had blown open, and a discarded rocket launcher lay in the corner.

Foaly pressed a button. Lasers came out of holes in the walls and all pointed to the person. Foaly and Artemis spun round to see Captain Trouble Kelp standing behind them.

'Kelp' said Foaly dryly

'Yeah, that's me, and I'm gonna kill you' Said Kelp

'I'm gonna fry down to sub-atomic levels, unless you leave'

'Fine'

Kelp didn't want to leave, he wanted to kill Artemis, but with laser pointing at him, he didn't really have a choice

'How am I going to get back to Holly's place?' asked Artemis

'Here, try my new teleporter thingy.' Replied Foaly

'Teleporter thingy?'

'Yeah. I haven't got round to naming it yet.'

'Whatever, just give it to me.'

**Holly's Place**

'Hey Holly, check out what I swiped from Foaly.'

'What?'

'A tape'

'Why a tape?'

'It's not labeled'

'Wow, Foaly not labeling his tapes. Three possibilities, one he wants us to find it, two, it's just come in, or three, it's not his.'

'What do you think?'

'Don't know, let's watch it'

'Ok, the players over there. No, no, over there'

Holly and Artemis watched the tape. They wished they didn't. It was of them drunkenly making out and vomiting in the toilet.

'Artemis, did you know that someone broke in yesterday?'

'No why?'

'Because, we now know what they did.'

'They didn't steal, they wanted to spy on us, anyway, what do we know about these tapes?'

'One, someone was spying on us...'

'Two, this isn't Foaly's tape...'

'Three, their cameras are still in here...'

'And if we watch the tape, we'll know where they are.'

'Exactly.'

Holly and Artemis retrieved the cameras from their secret hiding places and examined them. They found that the cameras were C64L cameras, Foaly's new cameras. They decided that they had to get away from Haven City for a while.

'You get the sleeping gear I'll get the food.' Said Holly

Artemis got the sleeping gear.

'Hmmm' Holly thought. 'The only thing in the fridge is beer. But last time I got drunk I kissed Artemis, and I liked it. I mean, we can't go to the shop, the LEP patrols will be there. So I guess it's just beer, and kissing Fowl. Crap.'

Soon Holly and Artemis were at the door, it looked like there was a marathon going on. But the winner was racing garden gnomes, not exactly hard, seeing as garden gnomes have no legs, but it's a lot harder when they've hijacked a scooter. And they're armed with mini spears and knum-chucks

'Come on boys, were gonna bust a cap in his ass.' Said gnome one

'What does that mean Josh?' asked gnome two

'I dunno, I just heard some east-siders saying it.' Replied Josh

'He's been to the East-Side, get him!'

Then all the gnomes attacked the gnome named Josh grinding him into a pile of clay, which would've been OK, if he wasn't the driver. Gnomes were about as smart as goblins, which wasn't very smart.

The gnomes crashed their scooter, right into Police Plaza.

'I know' said Holly suddenly 'We should go to a forest'

'Why?' Asked Artemis

'Duh. Nobody else around'

'Are you hitting on me?''

'NO!'

'Fine'

'Come on, the best is in South Australia'

'Best what?

'Forest, of course'

**Z78 Shuttle Port, Haven City, Lower Elements**

'Yeah, can I have two one way tickets to please?' Holly asked the attendant ticket sales man, thing

'Ok, that comes to 1 234 gold pieces, cash or credit?' replied the ticket sales thing

'We don't have credit, dumbass.'

'Oh, stupid Smeg, trying to tell me how to do my job. You'll get yours one day.' Mumbled the ticket thing

**Forest, Uncharted Island, South Australia, Australia**

Artemis and Holly were in a clearing after a 50.09 minute shuttle ride and a 15 minute walk

'This looks like a good place to camp.'

'Yeah, it does. Wouldn't it be funny if there was a giant bear that tried to kill us?'

'That would be funny'

'Anyway, we need to go find some fire wood'

'Ok. I'll go and set up the security system'

Soon Artemis was on his own, setting up the security systems just out side the camp. Later, when Holly got back, with a lot of firewood.

'This 'll burn nicely'

'Yeah'

Then suddenly a giant Whinne the Pooh entered the clearing

'Need Kill, Need Kill' It said

'Oh no' Said Artemis 'I think were gonna die'

'Well duh' Replied Holly

Just then Bambie™ stumbled into the clearing. It looked like it was drunk. It was drunk. The Pooh started trying to kill Bambie™.

'Pooh morph to Whinne the Smeg' yelled the Pooh

'Oh No it's a Chin Poke″mon...' Exclaimed Holly

'And Bambie™ is a Digimon' Finished Artemis

'Bambie Digivolve to... Hitler™' Said Bambie™

Hitler™ was a giant Hitler with an AK47 and a really stupid mustache. Whinne the Smeg was a piece of crap with arms and legs. The Smeg and Hitler™ started fighting, it looked like the Smeg would win, especially because Hitler™ was drunk. But Hitler™ won and beat him by blowing his head off!'

'Hitler™ un-Digivolve to Bambi™' said the still drunken Hitler™

'Hey, what are you doing?' asked Holly, looking at Artemis

'Hunting' Replied Artemis. Hunting wasn't really what he was doing, nobody, I mean nobody, hunts Bambi™ with a rocket launcher. Artemis did. The back half of Bambi™ fell over, it had huge cuts in it, the front half was blown to pieces, many small pieces.

'You blew off Bambi™'s head!' Yelled Holly

'With a rocket launcher.'Retorted Artemis

Holly was so pissed off all she managed to say was 'Snuh'

'Holly, you want some deer?' Asked Artemis

'No'

'But it's nice and tender, and warm'

'Oh, fine. But don't think I'm gonna like it.'

After several minutes of eating Bambi™.

'Wow, that really makes you thirsty' Said Holly 'I'm gonna go get me a drink.'

'Get me one two' Replied Artemis

'Whatever'

Holly checked the tent for drinks, only to find nothing, well almost nothing. Holly found a radio, an open cooler, a rocket and two sleeping bags. Holly's first thought was that somebody had ransacked her tent, then she saw the hoofprints on the ground.

'Bambi™' Whispered Holly. Then Holly realized something: If they got here, then that means Bambi™'s drunk on our beer, which means...

**Ops Booth, Police Plaza, Haven City, Lower Elements**

'Foaly, have you used your Retigmer on the gnomes yet?' Yelled Root

'No' replied Foaly 'They're still trapped under mounds of rubble'

'Well get them out before I blow them out' Screamed Root, his face going a dark shade of scarlet.

'But, they're, they're'

'No Buts' Root's face, brighter than the sun was shaking uncontrollably

'And find out where Mulch has got to, I can't believe you can't find him!'

'But, Commander, all the arrest warrants are void'

'VOID?'

'Yeah. Void. As in, not valid, wrong, illegal.' After Foaly said this, Root's head exploded!

'Oh no' Said Foaly 'better get the tape'

Root's body was walking into walls and falling over, unable to see, hear or feel anything.

'Better make that Duct Tape'

**Forest, Uncharted Island, South Australia, Australia**

'Oh Smeg' Swore Holly

Holly had realized that: If Bambie™ is drunk, and we they Bambie™, then they will get drunk. 'Umm Fowl, are you still eating Bambie™?' Asked Holly

'Yeah, so?' Replied Artemis

'It was drunk, right?'

'Yeah, and?'

'Our drinks are gone, taken by either Foaly or a deer. And all we had when we left was Farton Faught.'

'Oh Smeg' Screamed Artemis 'What's Farton Faught?'

'Fairy alcohol'


End file.
